The Price of War
by Master Hellsing
Summary: Crack. Crackcrackcrackcrack. Seriously, I can't summarize it any better. XD Total crackfic about the origin of the Hellsing bat.


**Title:** The Price of War  
**Author:** Master Hellsing  
**Warnings:** Suggestive talk, spoilers for some parts of the manga (volume 2 and up...I think 5 especially.)  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I couldn't come up with the concept for Hellsing in a million years. Kouta Hirano is love (and, you know, the owner of Hellsing).  
**Author's Notes:** I was challenged to write a Hellsing drabble of 100 words. It turned out to be waaaay more than 100 words, but it nearly made me lose it laughing XDDD The bat, for those of you that don't know, is the little "We are on a mission from God" bat on the tail of the plane. I uploaded a picture, but it won't work ;.; I'll probably post it in the reviews if I can. n.n

This is not to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form XD but I think you guessed that by now :P

---

It was late afternoon on the day that Alucard was to set out on the Reconnaissance Jet to take down Millennium's Aircraft Carrier. The plan was quite genious, if Integra could say so herself. Between she, Alucard and Walter, it was to go off without a hitch.

Of course, at the Hellsing Agency, nothing came without a price...

---

"You want me to WHAT?" Integra yelled from outside the door of the facility where the Jet was being refurbished.

"You heard me." Alucard stated cooly, leaning against the adjacent wall.

"You can't be serious, Alucard.," she said in an exasperated tone. "You can't _seriously_ expect me to plaster this rediculous thing on the side of our brand new _Reconnaissance Jet_ that we had to go through hell to acquire."

"Not the side, the tail. And it's not rediculous!" he huffed. "It's not an "it", either. His name is Sir Battles McSqueak. Look, he's even got your name on his banner!" he tried to persuade her, holding up the little decal he'd drawn earlier that morning and moving it like it was talking. "I love you, Mommy!" he made it say.

Integra's eye twitched. "Get. That. Thing. Away from me."

Alucard grumbled and patted the the little bat on his paper-head. "She didn't mean it, Battles. Mommy's just moody because she hasn't gotten any in a while."

"OH KNOCK IT OFF YOU BLOODY NIT! I KNOW THE DAMNED THING ISN'T TALKING!"

Giving her a look, he held the bat up again and this time persuaded it's mouth to move. "Mommy, Daddy says you need to get laid," it smiled, "Wassat mean?"

Integra pinched the bridge of her nose to try and aleviate some of the stress that he brought her. "You hurt my head."

Alucard smiled victoriously. "So is that a yes?"

"Hell no!" she snapped. "Look, while I never tire of being mortally scarred by our little exchanges, now is not the time to make rediculous demands! We have nazis to fight!"

"Fffft, nazis. We kicked their ass back in 'Nam and we'll do it again!"

"...There were...you just...I..." Integra stuttered, completely and utterly flabbergasted by the inaccuracies in his statement. "YOU DIDN'T _FIGHT_ THE NAZIS IN _NAM _YOU DOLT!"

Alucard shrugged. "Nam, World War II, whatever, same thing. After 500 years, stuff starts to run together."

Integra nearly fell over. It had been a long enough day without this.

"Nevertheless!" Alucard piped up, "The fact remains -- Battles accompanies me or I don't go."

_GROAN_.

Integra rested her head forcefully against the doorframe. She couldn't nescessarily negate the plan alltogether, as they'd gone through so much trouble to get it done. Nor could she play the "I'm your Master and you'll do as I say" card, as she knew he was adamant about it. Besides, if they didn't go through with this, more people would die. After the Raid, she didn't want any more deaths on her already heavy burden.

"_I hate you_.," she growled under her breath.

He knew that meant yes. "YAY!" he rejoiced, handing over the picture of the bat.

Tilting her head to him when she saw a movement toward her, she looked at him through her hair and snatched the paper from his hands. After taking a moment to supress her homocidal rage, she stood up straight and readied herself to enter the room and give the order to make this rediculous change. Turning to him before she did, she glared daggers into his very soul. "I will _end_ you for this, Count.," she vowed before making her way into the room.

Alucard just grinned. "I love you, too, Countess!" he called after her teasingly.

That was about when the door slammed in front of him.

..._It seriously never gets old_.


End file.
